Here's a poem from early on in our relationship when I was trying to find my emotional self again.
Let me sit with scrolls of memories
Locked up tight for fear I might find
The scars hidden of past injuries
Perfectly scripted in pages of my mind
I've hidden you my beautiful thorn
That your piercing thought may not malign
Nor contest this blessed love that is born
Of such tender pains and joys of mine
For this love is too great to risk to me
So your sacrifice seemed so small to compare
But now my love demands to see
That sacrificed thorn laid bare
You were my heart, my deepest song
The basso continuo of my desires
The sweet theme playing all along
Whose vibrance lit a thousand fires
Whose gamine gallavants bore me away
Whose romance unparalleled beat
With such a tide that would o'er me sway
That I often could not steady my feet
But from such a height I fell
By a hardened soul's silent disdain
With my deepest heart rejected as well
The lovespring turned to winter rain
So I would hide my heart and me alone inside
With many a smile to barricade the door
Till I forgot where it was I would hide
And I could find my heart no more
That heart, that beating, which madness brought
Which sorrow and bitterness gave
I could no longer bear to burden my thoughts
Nor for its sentimentality slave
So flesh and mind alone I became
Bereft of emotion's uncontrollable beauty
A shell of a man with but a hint of flame
Resigned to do no more than duty
Resigned to be a tin man till death
With no heart to be found
With only the memories of loving breaths
And a loving heartbeat's sound
But now my princess has come for me
Her knight in tarnished armor to save
From this tower of solitude and misery
Where my heart lies near its grave
Please oh God give me the way
The path to where my heart lies
I want to cry just to feel today
I want more than two unfeeling eyes
I want passion to overwhelm
To resurrect that romantic theme
For my heart to again take the helm
And steer this ship to a less stormy dream
To speak with more than pitiful words
But with all I am to express
This love that from my lips I have heard
In touches and looks of tenderness
That my most precious and faithful friend
Might know the depth of what I feel
These desires to all in emotion be spent
That she may know that this love is real
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Aspiring Doctors, Why no one sees them.
It is nearly a full year since I have written a single letter on this blog site and I am happy to say that I am finished with my first year of medical school!
I would love to talk in deep theological manner about the hundreds of metaphors one can draw from the overload of complexity that is the human body as I have been forced to learn its every nook and cranny, but really the maturing has been much more subtle. It has been through the constant beckoning to sacrifice of precious time to that which is more enduring than my own self-interests. (Not that I haven't endulged my own self-interests most of the time, my computer and wii game log times can tell you that)
The times that I have been able to be an example for the Lord, the times I am unselfish for my lovely wife, in those times I am, as Paul says, "putting away childish things," and becoming more of a man.
I would love to talk in deep theological manner about the hundreds of metaphors one can draw from the overload of complexity that is the human body as I have been forced to learn its every nook and cranny, but really the maturing has been much more subtle. It has been through the constant beckoning to sacrifice of precious time to that which is more enduring than my own self-interests. (Not that I haven't endulged my own self-interests most of the time, my computer and wii game log times can tell you that)
The times that I have been able to be an example for the Lord, the times I am unselfish for my lovely wife, in those times I am, as Paul says, "putting away childish things," and becoming more of a man.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Psalm 1 and Secular Counseling
Psalm 1:1 "How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked..."
As I meditated on this one phrase of the first psalm, I tried to put into other words what I was reading. I thought to myself, "who are the wicked?" and "what does it mean to walk in their counsel?" I believe that the Lord led me to an interesting thought; when a Christian relies on secular counsel or advice rather than on wisdom from God, the Bible and the fellow Christians God has given him, he will fall out of the blessing of Father God. Why is it that good parents are so concerned about children's friends and how they are influencing them? For the same reason God told the Israelites not to associate with the nations around them. Romans 8:6-8 says "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile to God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God." And again: 1 Cor. 15:33 "Do not be deceived, 'bad company corrupts good morals. '" How can we apply this to our Christian life?
In my opinion, over the past decade this country has witnessed an incredible increase in the belief of the common man that psychiatry and psychology is common-place and even necessary for a stable life. (With the break-neck speed that our country moves at, I'm not surprised that a niche forms that forces people to take time to think about their problems that they would otherwise have had time to think of on their own if they had any time to themselves) I in no way purpose to undermine the entire profession as being unnecessary or immoral, however, as christians, we must look at our involvement with such a profession in light of scripture.
Where is the line we must ask ourselves? When do we begin "walking in the counsel of the wicked?" When we take problems that overwhelm us to the secular world instead of to our Father and to His church that He has created to support us, we have absolutely aligned our lives with the counsel of the wicked. Only our Father God can see past the here and now, the physical complexities and the seemingly insurmountable problems that we face. How can we even begin to believe that someone completely unendowed with any spiritual wisdom or holy truth or prophetic gift could untangle the web that is within our sin-strangled hearts? If you need a counselor, seek a Christian! Seek those in the counseling profession that align themselves with the word of God and feel His call to help those who struggle with mental anxieties! Or, seek out your pastor, a brother you respect, or anyone who walks in a manner worthy of his call!
Consider as one final exhortation 1 Cor. 6:1-4 "Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous and not before the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? If the world is judged by you are you not competent to constitute the smallest law courts? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more matters of this life? So if you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church?" Even though this scripture deals with law disputes between christians, the heart of it stands as an exhortation to realize that there is no power for reconciliation of problems in this world apart from Christ and therefore, no secular force can do any good at all for a christian because they are incapable of pleasing Father God.
I realize this is radical, but christianity is a radical religion, not in violence, not in exclusivity of membership, but exclusivity of an absolute truth. It beckons all to come, yet its beckoning is inescapably to a life separate from the "life" lived before; the patterns of behavior, the beliefs, that in which we trust. And should we place our trust in the counsel of those who have rejected our Lord, we have chosen our master for enslavement and have thrown our lot in with those that spurned Christ on the cross. We are in effect, by our lack of trust in His saving power and His church, echoing those ancient Pharisees who said "He saved others, He cannot save himself!"
As I meditated on this one phrase of the first psalm, I tried to put into other words what I was reading. I thought to myself, "who are the wicked?" and "what does it mean to walk in their counsel?" I believe that the Lord led me to an interesting thought; when a Christian relies on secular counsel or advice rather than on wisdom from God, the Bible and the fellow Christians God has given him, he will fall out of the blessing of Father God. Why is it that good parents are so concerned about children's friends and how they are influencing them? For the same reason God told the Israelites not to associate with the nations around them. Romans 8:6-8 says "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile to God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God." And again: 1 Cor. 15:33 "Do not be deceived, 'bad company corrupts good morals. '" How can we apply this to our Christian life?
In my opinion, over the past decade this country has witnessed an incredible increase in the belief of the common man that psychiatry and psychology is common-place and even necessary for a stable life. (With the break-neck speed that our country moves at, I'm not surprised that a niche forms that forces people to take time to think about their problems that they would otherwise have had time to think of on their own if they had any time to themselves) I in no way purpose to undermine the entire profession as being unnecessary or immoral, however, as christians, we must look at our involvement with such a profession in light of scripture.
Where is the line we must ask ourselves? When do we begin "walking in the counsel of the wicked?" When we take problems that overwhelm us to the secular world instead of to our Father and to His church that He has created to support us, we have absolutely aligned our lives with the counsel of the wicked. Only our Father God can see past the here and now, the physical complexities and the seemingly insurmountable problems that we face. How can we even begin to believe that someone completely unendowed with any spiritual wisdom or holy truth or prophetic gift could untangle the web that is within our sin-strangled hearts? If you need a counselor, seek a Christian! Seek those in the counseling profession that align themselves with the word of God and feel His call to help those who struggle with mental anxieties! Or, seek out your pastor, a brother you respect, or anyone who walks in a manner worthy of his call!
Consider as one final exhortation 1 Cor. 6:1-4 "Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous and not before the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? If the world is judged by you are you not competent to constitute the smallest law courts? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more matters of this life? So if you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church?" Even though this scripture deals with law disputes between christians, the heart of it stands as an exhortation to realize that there is no power for reconciliation of problems in this world apart from Christ and therefore, no secular force can do any good at all for a christian because they are incapable of pleasing Father God.
I realize this is radical, but christianity is a radical religion, not in violence, not in exclusivity of membership, but exclusivity of an absolute truth. It beckons all to come, yet its beckoning is inescapably to a life separate from the "life" lived before; the patterns of behavior, the beliefs, that in which we trust. And should we place our trust in the counsel of those who have rejected our Lord, we have chosen our master for enslavement and have thrown our lot in with those that spurned Christ on the cross. We are in effect, by our lack of trust in His saving power and His church, echoing those ancient Pharisees who said "He saved others, He cannot save himself!"
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Purpose; Quest or Question
There are many times in life where a person is faced with a seemingly insurmountable feeling of a lack of purpose. It is a feeling of utter displacement from all that is around you and a restless drifting in your soul. What we often react with is an attempt to return to some identity that we believe will give us meaning. Sadly, no identity that can be created by reactions to external stimuli can give us inner peace or solitude. Many of these identities can have attached to them socially acceptable, yet personally damaging activities. These activities can have the attractive side-effect of making us forget our lack of purpose. They grant us no purpose in and of themselves, they simply let us lose ourselves for a short time in some frame of mind where we can forget our hunger for a true meaning to our existence.
This is where addiction begins. In the smallest fringes of identities created to ingratiate quick friends and passing acquaintances. The more we don the mask of our many identities, the more we lose ourselves. The more we lose ourselves, the harder it becomes to find a single thread of purpose winding through our countless counterfeit selves. So then, those fringe activities of our many identities began to take over all of our attention. The identities that we associated with the "good" portion of ourselves; those that welcomed church people, that attended service events, that tried to make a better place out of this world, become lost in our need to forget the ever-looming certainty of our lack of purpose.
Ultimately depression sets in. We know what good is and we know that we are losing it and there is no way, by our own strength, to make ourself become good. Our mind is our prosecutor crying "too much, too often, too many mistakes!" and we slip into a downward cycle of drowning it out by whatever means presents itself.
Especially for those who have moral religious backgrounds, this downward slope can be an easy temptation. We grow too accustomed to feeling unworthy of God's love and we feel that when we mess up we are no longer useful for His work. We start to believe that there is some finite period of time that we have to be "good" before we can do anything useful for God.
We must realize that the only place where we can find purpose is in one identity, that of Christ. We were created to worship God and enjoy His loving presence. Not as perfect sinless people by our own strength (1 Cor. 1:26-31) But as humble, grateful bondservants in His kingdom. By our own doing we cannot attain to anything good; for all good comes down from the Father above. So we must submit ourselves to His loving will in our lives.
We must continue to focus, not on our mistakes, but on His precious sacrifice that released grace and mercy so abundantly over our undeserving hearts that we can do nothing to overcome the sweet gift of eternal life He has gently offered. A bondservant, in biblical reference, was a Jewish man who could not pay his debts and so offered himself to willing servanthood in the house of a Jewish brother who could pay him. After he had fulfilled his debt and he was offered his release, a true bondservant was a man who had so grown to love his master that he chose to stay in service for the rest of his life. We all have sinned and so, knowingly or otherwise, we have fallen upon the mercy of a gracious Father God, while in His created world, to spare us our due judgement and let us continue to live and be blessed.
We must understand that, righteous or unrighteous, ALL good things come from God and so all blessings are given to people by God. Since the death of Jesus, our debt of sin has now been paid forevermore. We now have only to accept his offer to live with Him and serve Him for eternity. How can we not turn to such a master who offers us each breath and eternal life in His house and say "though you have paid my debt, yet because of your great love for me, I long to serve you with all that I have and with every breath you give me." Since this was the reason we were created, the identity of a bondservant, as Christ exemplified, is the only way to find purpose, freedom and true life.
This is where addiction begins. In the smallest fringes of identities created to ingratiate quick friends and passing acquaintances. The more we don the mask of our many identities, the more we lose ourselves. The more we lose ourselves, the harder it becomes to find a single thread of purpose winding through our countless counterfeit selves. So then, those fringe activities of our many identities began to take over all of our attention. The identities that we associated with the "good" portion of ourselves; those that welcomed church people, that attended service events, that tried to make a better place out of this world, become lost in our need to forget the ever-looming certainty of our lack of purpose.
Ultimately depression sets in. We know what good is and we know that we are losing it and there is no way, by our own strength, to make ourself become good. Our mind is our prosecutor crying "too much, too often, too many mistakes!" and we slip into a downward cycle of drowning it out by whatever means presents itself.
Especially for those who have moral religious backgrounds, this downward slope can be an easy temptation. We grow too accustomed to feeling unworthy of God's love and we feel that when we mess up we are no longer useful for His work. We start to believe that there is some finite period of time that we have to be "good" before we can do anything useful for God.
We must realize that the only place where we can find purpose is in one identity, that of Christ. We were created to worship God and enjoy His loving presence. Not as perfect sinless people by our own strength (1 Cor. 1:26-31) But as humble, grateful bondservants in His kingdom. By our own doing we cannot attain to anything good; for all good comes down from the Father above. So we must submit ourselves to His loving will in our lives.
We must continue to focus, not on our mistakes, but on His precious sacrifice that released grace and mercy so abundantly over our undeserving hearts that we can do nothing to overcome the sweet gift of eternal life He has gently offered. A bondservant, in biblical reference, was a Jewish man who could not pay his debts and so offered himself to willing servanthood in the house of a Jewish brother who could pay him. After he had fulfilled his debt and he was offered his release, a true bondservant was a man who had so grown to love his master that he chose to stay in service for the rest of his life. We all have sinned and so, knowingly or otherwise, we have fallen upon the mercy of a gracious Father God, while in His created world, to spare us our due judgement and let us continue to live and be blessed.
We must understand that, righteous or unrighteous, ALL good things come from God and so all blessings are given to people by God. Since the death of Jesus, our debt of sin has now been paid forevermore. We now have only to accept his offer to live with Him and serve Him for eternity. How can we not turn to such a master who offers us each breath and eternal life in His house and say "though you have paid my debt, yet because of your great love for me, I long to serve you with all that I have and with every breath you give me." Since this was the reason we were created, the identity of a bondservant, as Christ exemplified, is the only way to find purpose, freedom and true life.
Monday, March 24, 2008
In light of His sacrifice
How fixed these eyes have become
on my flesh, my temptations on me
till a shell of a man deaf and dumb
this hardened heart turns out to be
For all my problems when in view
are higher than grand mountain peaks
so quickly I lose sight of You
and cannot hear the words your Spirit speaks
I soon lose sight of my mission
Of my worth, of all I've sought to attain
To the mundane I give my submission
and trust there is no relief from this pain
But pain I have not felt like the cross
Wounds I have not endured as were there
As a father I have not suffered such loss
Nor made sacrifice born from such care
My body I have not surrendered
much less this heart I hold tight
For I am not ready to be battered
For sharing my precious light
So near to death my fire is found
For no air will I let see its glow
Rather I revel as my problems abound
And let them be all that I know
Oh let them pale in comparison
Father breathe on my dying coals
Receive back your faithless son
ignite a fire again in my soul
For oh just one look upon calvary
Would shrink these mountains I've made
Would soften a heart full of misery
Would the deafest soul persuade
That there is a God full of passion
Full of grace and mercy sweet
And no heart is forbade His compassion
If it be laid with humility at His feet
on my flesh, my temptations on me
till a shell of a man deaf and dumb
this hardened heart turns out to be
For all my problems when in view
are higher than grand mountain peaks
so quickly I lose sight of You
and cannot hear the words your Spirit speaks
I soon lose sight of my mission
Of my worth, of all I've sought to attain
To the mundane I give my submission
and trust there is no relief from this pain
But pain I have not felt like the cross
Wounds I have not endured as were there
As a father I have not suffered such loss
Nor made sacrifice born from such care
My body I have not surrendered
much less this heart I hold tight
For I am not ready to be battered
For sharing my precious light
So near to death my fire is found
For no air will I let see its glow
Rather I revel as my problems abound
And let them be all that I know
Oh let them pale in comparison
Father breathe on my dying coals
Receive back your faithless son
ignite a fire again in my soul
For oh just one look upon calvary
Would shrink these mountains I've made
Would soften a heart full of misery
Would the deafest soul persuade
That there is a God full of passion
Full of grace and mercy sweet
And no heart is forbade His compassion
If it be laid with humility at His feet
Monday, March 17, 2008
St. Patrick's day lilt
It was on the fair banks of the lowland greens
When first I did see you as if in a dream
The hem of your dress it danced in the wind
and the song you were singing was gary owen
So come with the wind in your hair so enchanting
Come sweet and softly with your timid feet dancing
With a melody flowing like a stream from your tongue
For I have been captured by the dreams you have sung
And when in the winter I left in the snow
Your tender warmth lingered where're I did go
but now that it's springtime in Ireland again
My eyes they are a'straining for the banks of my Dublin
When first I did see you as if in a dream
The hem of your dress it danced in the wind
and the song you were singing was gary owen
So come with the wind in your hair so enchanting
Come sweet and softly with your timid feet dancing
With a melody flowing like a stream from your tongue
For I have been captured by the dreams you have sung
And when in the winter I left in the snow
Your tender warmth lingered where're I did go
but now that it's springtime in Ireland again
My eyes they are a'straining for the banks of my Dublin
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Day of the Lord
My heavy heart confesses today that I can only remember days when I was truly overjoyed with the expectation of the coming of the Lord. I feel that this is a struggle for many Christians and so I want to examine David's call to such a joy and hope in the 96th psalm.
I begin not with the means, but the Reason: Psalm 96:13 "(do all this) ...Before the Lord, for He is coming, for He is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples in His faithfulness." This is not a sorrowful or fearful ending to this psalm. As we will see, David is actually exultant in His expectation of the judgement of the Lord. He is overjoyed because the coming of the Lord and His judgement will be the ultimate expression of the glory of God. The righteous should have no fear of that day. Isaiah speaks precious encouragement to us in chapter 35 verse 4 when he states: "Say to those with anxious heart, 'Take courage, fear not. Behold, your God will come with vengeance; The recompense of God will come, But He will save you.'"
To look forward with joy to the hope of the Lord's coming, our heart and mind must be attuned to the Will of God and David's counsel through this psalm seeks to engender in the reader a desire to join the psalmist in his expectation of the day of the Lord.
First in Song: Note that the first three lines begin with "sing." Beyond this though, to start the whole psalm, David suggests a new song. It is the psalmist's opinion that the first act one should make when seeking God's Will is the deepest personal expression of oneself. It is easy to sing the words and melodies of other hearts that have experienced God and still miss the personal connection that their authors birthed such compositions from. Instead, in our own feeble, faltering or sweet voices David urges us to create words from our minds and melodies from our hearts that express our immediate emotions honestly before the Lord. The songs that our tongues employ should, according to line three, not focus only on our own state but bless the name of the Lord. They should all, at the very least, end in praise.
Second by proclamation: David cannot help but break forth in doing the very thing he is exhorting us to do here and he makes his public declaration of faith two-fold. First, he describes the attributes of God -their beauty, their wonder and their distinctive nature, and Second, in verses 7 and 8 he attributes the causality of the blessings in his life and the world to God. The word ascribe (found in the NASB) is literally to write as the cause for. David tells us to take all the good things of our life and the world around us and proclaim that their inception lies in the heart of a Holy, Loving and Awesome Sovereign God. David makes it clear in verse 8 that inherent in this proclamation of God's glory is the offering brought into the temple of God. Only recently has the giving of money been reduced to a private affair. As often occurs in the church of God, heresy enters through the over-application of a truth of the word. I believe scripturally, the amount of the offering is between a man and God, but the demonstration of an offering is a public act of sacrifice that is meant to exhort the body. (this assumes the church is for believers, which is also scriptural)
Third through response: David's response, through humility, to singing praise to the Lord and proclaiming His name is found in verse 9. He worships with all his heart longing for holiness, he trembles before God when He grasps a glimpse of the expansive glory and majesty of God. He is moved to proclaim even more the Lord's sovereignty and his eyes are opened to the praises of creation and its longing for the day of the Lord. He joins all of God's works in proclaiming that "...He is coming..."
I want my heart to ever have the expectancy of the day of the Lord underpinning its desires, and filling me with hope, joy and peace that the salvation of the Lord has come and soon the Bridegroom will burst forth from His chambers to meet his bride at the altar as she reaches the far side of the Jordan's aisle.
I begin not with the means, but the Reason: Psalm 96:13 "(do all this) ...Before the Lord, for He is coming, for He is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples in His faithfulness." This is not a sorrowful or fearful ending to this psalm. As we will see, David is actually exultant in His expectation of the judgement of the Lord. He is overjoyed because the coming of the Lord and His judgement will be the ultimate expression of the glory of God. The righteous should have no fear of that day. Isaiah speaks precious encouragement to us in chapter 35 verse 4 when he states: "Say to those with anxious heart, 'Take courage, fear not. Behold, your God will come with vengeance; The recompense of God will come, But He will save you.'"
To look forward with joy to the hope of the Lord's coming, our heart and mind must be attuned to the Will of God and David's counsel through this psalm seeks to engender in the reader a desire to join the psalmist in his expectation of the day of the Lord.
First in Song: Note that the first three lines begin with "sing." Beyond this though, to start the whole psalm, David suggests a new song. It is the psalmist's opinion that the first act one should make when seeking God's Will is the deepest personal expression of oneself. It is easy to sing the words and melodies of other hearts that have experienced God and still miss the personal connection that their authors birthed such compositions from. Instead, in our own feeble, faltering or sweet voices David urges us to create words from our minds and melodies from our hearts that express our immediate emotions honestly before the Lord. The songs that our tongues employ should, according to line three, not focus only on our own state but bless the name of the Lord. They should all, at the very least, end in praise.
Second by proclamation: David cannot help but break forth in doing the very thing he is exhorting us to do here and he makes his public declaration of faith two-fold. First, he describes the attributes of God -their beauty, their wonder and their distinctive nature, and Second, in verses 7 and 8 he attributes the causality of the blessings in his life and the world to God. The word ascribe (found in the NASB) is literally to write as the cause for. David tells us to take all the good things of our life and the world around us and proclaim that their inception lies in the heart of a Holy, Loving and Awesome Sovereign God. David makes it clear in verse 8 that inherent in this proclamation of God's glory is the offering brought into the temple of God. Only recently has the giving of money been reduced to a private affair. As often occurs in the church of God, heresy enters through the over-application of a truth of the word. I believe scripturally, the amount of the offering is between a man and God, but the demonstration of an offering is a public act of sacrifice that is meant to exhort the body. (this assumes the church is for believers, which is also scriptural)
Third through response: David's response, through humility, to singing praise to the Lord and proclaiming His name is found in verse 9. He worships with all his heart longing for holiness, he trembles before God when He grasps a glimpse of the expansive glory and majesty of God. He is moved to proclaim even more the Lord's sovereignty and his eyes are opened to the praises of creation and its longing for the day of the Lord. He joins all of God's works in proclaiming that "...He is coming..."
I want my heart to ever have the expectancy of the day of the Lord underpinning its desires, and filling me with hope, joy and peace that the salvation of the Lord has come and soon the Bridegroom will burst forth from His chambers to meet his bride at the altar as she reaches the far side of the Jordan's aisle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
